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Saturday, September 25th, 2004
9:45 pm
Okay... that bite on my lip is now a full fledged canker sore x_x;... and hurts uberly bad and was starting to swell last night (read: 4am this morning *dies*).

Finally fell asleep from sheer exhaustion and slept in a tad until shooting pain woke me up... and went with my mom out to the drug stores and Kaiser to see if there was anything we could get to at least numb the pain. Let me just say that the pharmacist at Kaiser knew next to nothing and could only tell me to "avoid eating spicy and salty foods" (well duh! I figured that one all out on my own =P)... but at least she understood the difference between a canker sore and a cold sore unlike the pharmacists at the couple of drug stores we first went to -_-;;. Stupid people ><;.

Anywho, finally found a pharmacist who knew what the hell we were talking about and even had a recommendation that he himself used for canker sores. It's the gel stuff that creates a film over the wound and not only numbs the area, but also adds a layer of protection allowing you to be able to eat as well =D. So yay! I was able to eat today ^O^! I didn't get anything yesterday ;_;... was so hungry too -_-...

But yeah, got the stuff, and you're supposed to dry the area first with a tissue (*twitchtwitch*) and then apply a small dab of it to the wound with a clean finger or a cotton swab and keep your lip held out (to keep it from getting wet) for 30-60 seconds so the gel can dry. All I have to say is: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! It hurts so bad everytime I reapply the stuff ;_;... but it works so I guess it's worth it =/.

Oh, lol! Also, first time I applied it, I didn't know how much it would hurt... and I grabbed my lip with my other hand after applying it and got some of the gell still on my finger on another spot on the inside of my lip ^^;. Was odd having the two spots numb, XD. But I got to see how the film stuff works better so that was pretty neat =3.

Anywho, so this means I should be able to survive the week and my concert... hopefully *crosses fingers*. Then again, I've played with worse, XD. I remember a Spring concert my junior year of highschool where the very next morning after my concert I went in to have root canal surgery done, ^^;. I had an ice pack with me during practice... and all Humpal could say was "I hope you're not going to have that during the performance." >=O!!! Well duh, of course not! It's me! I'm stubborn as all hell and will not show obvious signs I'm injured during a performance... afterwards is another story... but during, I'm fit as a fiddle as far as the audience is concerned ^_~.

Ciao! <3

(1 bow taken | Curtain call)

Thursday, September 23rd, 2004
11:51 pm - CONCERT- NESS!!
Alright, details I promised about my concert:

Event: Wind Ensemble and Symphonic Band Fall Concert
Location: Diable Valley College (123 Golf Club Rd Pleasant Hill, CA) in the main theatre.
Date: Friday, October 1st, 2004
Time: 8pm
Cost: $7 advance $10 at door

Side notes: To get advance tickets, you must contact me before wednesday next week. Thursday is the last day I can pick up advance tickets and I'm supposed to already have the money there to pay for them by that night ^^;;. But I can check out tickets before then without having to worry about turning in money yet. Also, as with any performance, please show up before the start time.

I'm performing in both Wind Ensemble and Symphonic Band -_-;... My chops are going to be so dead ;_;.

I will update this entry with the pieces being performed by each band as soon as I find the list ^^;.

Any other questions, just please post them here or catch me on AIM =D.

EDIT: Gah ><;! I put the date in the other entry! Bad Jessa -_-;... Tankies for catching that, Nata ^_^.

(5 bows taken | Curtain call)

Sunday, September 19th, 2004
7:50 pm
Geez, I was gonna update about tech, but it totally slipped my mind ><;... and now most everything is gone from my head I was gonna talk about x_x;.

To sum it up: got some minor injuries (just cuts, bruises, and a couple splinters) working on stuff for the Romeo and Juliet set. But had lots of fun using the jigsaw >=3. I heart that thing ^-^. Better than the portaband, even though it's a lot of fun too =D.

Anywho, Athena went home on Thursday... and as usual I was really depressed. No worries, though... it always happens when my friends go home after I've been seeing them for awhile.. *shrug* It'll pass. 'Sides, I'll get to see Teeny again at YCon =3. Yay ^O^!

Oh, and I'm officially addicted to Naruto ;_;... I blame Sohji. Even though Teeny is the one who showed it to me. He's the one who got her addicted so it is his fault she showed me in the first place. Anywho, this now means I'm actually going through and reading the manga I DLed ages ago of Naruto on my laptop and reading them, XD. Plus Teeny is making me copies of the Naruto eps she has =3. Bwuhaha! I just won't get them until YCon *sulk*... but oh well, at least then I know I'll get them safely ^-^. I was happy I found my DVD-Rs for her to use so she'd already have some to burn my copies =3.

Hrm... what else...

Gah, can't think of anything x_x;... well, not true, but I really don't feel like writing about half the other shit =/. One of them being some dreams/nightmares I've been having lately. Remember all that crap from earlier this year? Yeah, well... the dreams/nightmares are coming back. I don't really even know what category they fall in... they're... "happy" dreams, but... I dunno... they still hurt so much when I wake up... and they haunt me as any nightmare would...

*sigh* But whatever... I shouldn't let it get to me. Gawd... I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have my con and theatre family right now -_-;. My old family is gone... and I know I'm never getting them back... because even if I do, I don't think I could trust them again. I have nothing left for them to take.

Getting off that emo topic >_>;;;...

Anywho, as I said, not much else going on. Finally getting into the groove of school again... although the schedule still throws me a bit. But I'm getting there ^^;.


Seriously, for those who know how much I usually suffer from the heat waves because I naturally run a small fever anyways, you know how much this cold weather means to me =3. Although I agree with Athena... this probably means we're in for a bad winter >_<;. But, that doesn't bother me that much. Heck, if it gets cold enough, maybe we could see a tiny bit of snow in the East Bay again =3. There was some years ago when I was really tiny and it'd be nice to see again.

But yeah, it was nice to wake up to a cloudy sky and be able to just snuggle back down under my down blanket. I don't think I've been so content in awhile. And as much as I hate rain... I'd love for some right now. Nice, ice cold rain beating down against my window...

I can't wait for the cabin trip -_-... It's going to be so good to get away to the snow for New Years ^-^. Probably so much I'm not going to want to come home ^^;.

Geez, I know there's a lot more to talk about x_x;;...

Lalala... okay, shutting up now before I bore you all to death with my random babble, XD!


current mood: melancholy

(Curtain call)

Saturday, September 4th, 2004
3:01 pm
Haven't written in awhile...

Well, school is already starting to get to me. I think it's just that I haven't found the right groove to fit into yet so that it doesn't take so much out of me. And yes I realise half my units are perfoming arts units =P. Those are actually a lot more work than my academic units -_-;.

My astronomy class is loads of fun... both the class and lab. The class we're currently learning constellations which is tiny bit boring as I know most of them from an obsession I had with stars in middle school... but on the other hand, still very fascinating and good to have the information reinforced in my head. The lab was so boring the first night ><;. Second night, though, I actually made a couple friends in the class (Jasmine and Jennifer) when we did group work together. And we also got to do a real lab that night too (measuring distance based on angles). Took me a minute for all that "simple, but done so long ago it was pushed to the back of my mind by harder equations" math to come back to me on how it worked. Was much easier after that ^_^.

My anthropology class (Magic, Witchcraft, and Religion) is fairly neat as well. We're doing a group project right now and my group has the alien activity related one. My group members are fairly nice as well ^_^. Prof is cool too... except for the fact he can actually talk for the full three hours x_x;;... he went over by five minutes this last time which left me with five from my original ten minutes to get from the math building to the back of the campus and then up cardiac hill to get to my astronomy lab ;_;. Which usually takes the full ten minutes anyways! And I couldn't sneak out cause I was in the front row... and what if what he jabbering on about was important? Ugh -_-;. Turned out it wasn't... *sulk*.

Let's see... intermediate acting... meh, just another acting class. Reminds me of the beginning I took in the Spring. My partner for my scene is awesome, though ^_^. All the partners I've had before in the beginning class knew next to nothing about acting and were just taking it for fun. My partner was in drama in high school same as I was so it's much easier. Plus I can use theatre terms without having to give a definition after every, single one >_>;.

Tech theatre = THE AWESOME!! Seriously, this class rocks all. It's also the hardest one I have... and the easiet ^^;. Anywho, it's nice to be getting formal training finally. In high school I was just thrown to the wolves and expected to figure it out =/. And was usually told to go paint (read: fix what the tech class screwed up) sets instead of help build. Ooo! My fave part was the first day I was helping out was when we were cleaning up so we could be ready when the plans for the Romeo and Juliet set came in I got to cut steal with a portaband saw =3. And the "safety instruction" I was given was "Just try not to cut your hand off." XD! I love my new theatre family ^_^.

I feel a bit bad, though, since I didn't go in all this week cause I was feeling a bit icky. And I know better than to be around tools when I'm feeling dizzy -_-;;. Not like much happened, though. Plans didn't come in until wednesday (about a week late). And I found out lighting has to have there shit done within three weeks cause sets have to get put in after lighting is fixed... and the show opens in six weeks x_x;;.

Band... same old, same old. It takes a lot out of me, but I wouldn't give it up for the world if only because of the joy it gives my soul when I perform. And now I have a second band class >_>;... Mr. B talked me into (read: guilted) taking the day band class as well because Jan is the only clarinet in there ;_;. Arg ><;... but I don't have classes on mondays and therefore no car! Unless I want to get up at 6:30am x_x;. Jan is going to come pick me up on mondays for the first few weeks until my mom gets car stuff dealt with.

So yeah... instead of 15, I now have 16 units... although not so bad I was originally gonna have 18 =/. But I decided going until 9:50pm two nights a week was bad enough that I didn't need to add a third -_-;.

Oh! And stupid f-ing school system. Know how they raised the cost per unit from $18 to $26 this year? Well, last year when they raised the cost from $11 to $18, what happened was they deliberately waited until a month-ish into school before billing people for the extra $7 a unit. I know for a fact they did because I kept checking webadvisor everyday for the charge to come and did not come until a couple days before we recieved the bill in the mail. Well, that's what my understanding was they were doing for this year... but it figures I find the loophole. If you try to add more classes, the extra $8 a unit is automatically billed to you. &#%(@!*)#%*#)%*!!!! So I couldn't add the day band class and now I have to go through the hell of a late add sheet ;_;. Stupid registration office not taking Discover *shakes fist*!! I only had enough cash on me to pay for the one unit class... not the $8 times 15 units for my other classes as well x_x;!!

Oh well, at least I found out that I can use my mom's credit card there... I just need to have a written permission from her. So there's my goal on tuesday/wednesday =/. Get Mr. B to help me fill out the late add form, go track down the dean so she/he can sign it, and then go back to registration with credit card in hand and get rid of the $146 I still need to pay (after adding the new class).

Oi -_-;.

So right now I'm just trying to get some homework done before heading over for the Recca Labor Day Weekend party. I still need to go out and get what ingredients I don't have for making Oatmeal Raisin cookies ^^;. That's my goal before leaving for the party. But homework first so I don't stress this weekend >_>;... again...

Not much else to add... except it's too friggin' hot ;_;... another reason to get to the party: so Eliza and I can hijack the pool.

*sigh* Better get back to work...


current mood: exhausted

(8 bows taken | Curtain call)

Sunday, August 29th, 2004
6:57 pm
My angst tastes like...
black licorice
Black Licorice
Unique and difficult to place, your angst finds its source in something you keep hidden. You have something serious and possibly traumatic, but you try to hide it from everyone and just tell them to ignore you when you seem troubled, that everything's really OK. You might think that you have good reasons for not telling people, and some of them may in fact be true, but most likely a lifetime of keeping your secrets has led to a resolution fortified by rationalization that nobody else can shake simply because you never give them a chance. Ask yourself if it would really be that horrible to open up to others; nobody says you have to do it all at once, even. But you should at least try getting out of your shell a little. It's not healthy to internalize everything and conceal it. Anyway, if people really care for you, and they probably do, then they'll be loving and supportive regardless of any reason to the contrary.

Find your angst's flavor

>.>;... I should be scared by the accuracy of that... and I hate licorice ><;... has a horribly nasty texture x_x;...

Um, anywho...

Went to Tales of Anime on Saturday. I was quite shocked at how many people I knew o.o;... didn't get to see Reno, though. Turns out he got sick and couldn't make it ;_;. Hope he doesn't think I'm mad or anything ><;... I left quite a few messages on his cell trying to find him, XD. And Eliza and Amber... shut up ^_~.

Anywho, I had so much fun =D!. I got to see Maiyu again ^_^. I didn't think I'd get to see her until Yaoi Con. I missed her muchly *huggles the Maiyu*. She cut her hair o.o;... and I felt really bad that I didn't recognise her at first ^^;... That stupid (but surprisingly very good for as little as she paid for it) wig blocked half her face ><;...

Oh! Game room was so late getting set up -_-;... stupid Craig was uber late getting there so we had most of the TVs... but only a few of the systems and games >>;...

Eliza and I "tested" the DDR game, though, XD. Yup. That's what we were doing. No... we weren't just bored and wanted to get in some DDR while we could. Nope. Not us.


Ooo! Yaoi Bingo was awesomely fun =D! Makes me even more mad I had to miss it at Fanime ><;... Lol, Eliza and I were all of the "we're not buying any of the cards to play" mind set... and then after a few games, we bought a whole bunch, XD. We're insane ^^;.

I didn't win anything, but Eliza got this Sephy FFVII: AC wallscroll =3. And got to strip the Dante cosplayer of his jacket... but since he had a shirt on and he was the only bishi still not shirtless, they gave him back the jacket and Eliza stripped off his shirt instead, XD. She tried to have me go do it, but it was her BINGO, so it didn't seem fair.

And there was this rumour going around about the Dante's age o.o;... Eliza and I heard he was 16 =X. He so does not look that young ><;. But we were told we couldn't take his pants... so maybe... Although there could have also been 16+ in the audience and that might be why =/. Who knows... Eliza needs to hurry up and bug the Dante cosplayer for his real age cause I'm terribly confused, XD.

I so can't wait for YCon now ><;... if this was just a taste of the fun that will be there... I'm going to die from funness overload at the real YCon *_*.


See many of ya at JTAF ^_^.

My con family is huge now x_x;... and add it with my theatre family and I have well over 100 family members *dies*.

I'm gonna miss ya Cass ;_;. Have fun in Taiwan ^_^!! And come back to us soon! I am so getting my ass down to AX2005 since that's the next con you're sure you'll be at ^-^.

I am apparently known as the "happy, hyper, postive one" on c.com x_x;. I was talking with some people at the con that I know of, but hadn't really spoken with... and I mentioned I was Genki Panda... and that was the general comment I got, XD.

Nothing bad about it, I'm just amused ^_^. Oh! And note to self: don't forget to bug Tom for a copy of the pics and vid he took of me fighting Jason. And haha! I ripped Jason's "Keep it Gay" shirt on the sleeve, XD!! Serves him right for picking a fight with me in the game room! LOL!

I <3 my con family ^_^.

And my bunny better go to JTAF *sulk*.

current mood: giddy

(21 bows taken | Curtain call)

Friday, August 27th, 2004
5:51 pm
So sitting here all wet... and get all those dirty thoughts out of your heads! I just had a shower and I refuse to use a hair dryer to dry my hair except in cases of styling emergencies (which like rarely ever happens except once every couple of years).

Anywho >.>;... Have I ever mentioned how much I love Doritos Cool Ranch chips? Well, I do. They are the awesome. Although Ruffles Sour Cream and Onion or so yummy, X3!

Lalala... I wanna bake some cookies (shut up!!)... But that way I'll have treatsies to give to friends tomorrow =3. Which reminds me... I still need to sorta get the permission to go, XD. Oh well...

Need to go to grocery store to grab cash and brown sugar... *plots*...

Not much has happened... got to groove around with Concord buddies this week... got to cut steel with a portaband saw =3... found out said portaband does not like to cut through wood and steel at the same time ^^;;... and just got settled back into school life.

It's coming back... slowly... but it's coming back =/. Am still hoping for car ><;... my mom keeps procrastinating on it ;_;... and school for Antioch starts next week x_x;... it was bad enough this week with the teachers going back. Ugh -_-;.

And I must finish May ><;... and go searching for Ouka stuffies. I found a site with really good looking faux fur... but I'm going to have send away for swatches. Plus I need to order my wig.

I'm hoping for job stuff to come through soon... because then I go order my wig because I'll have my own credit card and not one that goes to my mom's bill.

Kaykay, better split... gotta call mommy and see where she is O.o;... and see if making cookies ish possible and what's the latest I can get over to Eliza's.


current mood: anxious

(Curtain call)

Monday, August 23rd, 2004
5:41 pm
Not much has gone on... got lost in SF ^^;;... that was fun, lol. Got the reference pics I needed for Ouka... just I now have the problem of I'd really like to read them... but they're kind of in Japanese ^^;;. So I'm searching out text translations... not having much luck though =/.

Oh well... good news: OUKA DOESN'T WEAR A THONG!! WOOT!

Bad news... AM looks like a no go. My fall concert is October 1st... the day AM starts. I have a few options, none of them sound like much fun ><;.

Anywho... really not much to update on... I get to hang around with Nata and Joei tomorrow... don't know if anyone else is able to... those are the only two to have confirmed they are free tomorrow =/. And we're still not sure what we're doing ><;... Must figure that out ^^;.


EDIT: ARG!! Apparently I have to pick my mom up from school tomorrow ><;... so I can't hang for long. Probably just long enough to say hi and catch up and that's about it =/. I have to get to school earlier than usual on wednesday so let's plan something for then, kaykay?

(1 bow taken | Curtain call)

Thursday, August 19th, 2004
5:23 pm
To my concord buddies: keep tuesday free, mes amies. I couldn't hang around today due to having to travel home to get my clarinet for band tonight. But I am free to go goof off with you guys on Tuesday =3.

I'm done at 3:15pm tuesday... hopefully all of you are free as well ^_^.


(1 bow taken | Curtain call)

Wednesday, August 18th, 2004
11:02 pm
Arg ><;... I have to leave for school in less than 12 hours ;_;... *cries*

Not fair -_-;.

Anywho, so obviously I start my "fun" schedule tomorrow =/. I still have yet to locate a job that I can fit into the free time I have on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. I'd even take weekend work at this point as long as I can get convention time and cabin trip time off -_-;. Granted I've been busy the past couple weeks and stopped openly searching/applying... but =P. I can't do so many things at once ><;. Once I get settled back into school I should be fine... I hope x_x;...

Oh, went to Gill's today to get the reeds I've been needing... and he was out of my size 4s ;_;. He only had 3 1/2 (hell no!) and 5s (x_x;;). He offered the 5s to me half price (which is a damn good deal) and so my mom and went ahead and got them to try. I realise after I get in the car they're V12s... which is like... the god of Vandorens... which in turn is the god of all clarinet reeds. So we got a really good deal. Those are almost $3 a piece reeds and we got them for a $1 each *drools*.

Now just to figure out if I can play on a 5 >.>;... I've been on a 4 since frosh year in HS so I've been needing to move up... but still... this isn't a half jump like I should be doing ^^;;... this is a whole point *dies*.

Oh well, I shall find out tomorrow night in band.

In other news... um... well... there is no other news... except I'm pissed at DVC's bookstore... but that's something none of you would really care to hear about =/.

Lalala... keep fingers crossed I can find a job in the next couple weeks, people ='(. If I don't get one soon, it'll look bad me all of a sudden asking for the first weekend and last weekend of October off ><;.

current mood: stressed

(Curtain call)

Monday, August 16th, 2004
8:39 pm
Renn faire was much fun. The only suckie part was I started that morning and had to stay half drugged out on pain killers all day.

By the way... tight bodices and being on your period are not two things that should go together x_x;...

Anywho, Jen and Dev got to my place to pick me up a little later than we had all planned on. But it worked out because I had to finish cleaning up the mess I made from baking Jen's cookies. She seemed really happy to get them ^_^. I guess no one has ever given her cookies as a thank you before O.o;... Anywho, the cookies were a hit... even my raspberry chocolate chip cookie experiment ones... and I promised more cookies the next time we all hang out or at the very least for JTAF and we'll have a cookie party =3.

Ooo! And Dev brought me Firefly to borrow =D! Yay!

In other news... I think I have my cosplay priority list worked out for the rest of the year...

-May (Guilty Gear XX)
-Lucrecia (FFVII)
-Ouka (.hack//DUSK)
-Helena (DOAX)
-Meroko (FMwS)

May is nearly done. I just need to finish the armor, shirt, boots, and hat.

Lucrecia I still need to decide whether I'm doing her purple dress or just her lab coat. Problem being this character is shown only briefly in the game so she's a pain in the rear to find reference pics for.

Ouka... I'm planning on both the manga version and anime. But manga version is my top priority. I was asked to do this one by someone and how can I resist a costume that's so fuzzy =3. And I get ears ^O^!

Helena my suit is pretty much done. I just want to fix the rush stitching I did at AX for it and clean a bit. I still need the wig for this.

Meroko I probably won't have done until next year. At the latest, I'd love to have it for RECCA Con 2005. Fanime 2005 being the furthest I'd be willing to push it back to get the right wig. Plus I'm planning on making the wings from scratch starting with a bone structure and working my way out to the feathers. But it'll also have to be light as heck so I can just attach them to my back. They'll probably be folded instead of extended so I can move around easier.

So those are the ones I am doing for sure within the next year. It is just a matter of time and money. Also I might end up with a female ninja costume made for me by a friend =3. So yay! I'll get to be a real stage ninja at Fanime 2005 ^_^!

Only thing majorly sucking is reference images... again ;_;. I have such horrible luck ><;. I think I'm just going to go buy the .hack//DUSK manga with Ouka in it for the reference images... I just wish I could find a cheap artbook or something. I should hit JTown sometime soon to get this stuff >.>;...

I have tons of reference images for Meroko (woot for scanlations =3) and May (thanks to Suou ^_^).

Oh! Just thought of the other costume I was planning for something for Fanime... Yoshi. And yes, I intend to do a full character to costume =P. I'm going to need to invest in a camel water backpack and some of those cooling things >.>;... This one is my only iffy one. It's supposed to be for Der Cosplay for something a group of my friends want to do. It's supposed to be some kind of fun skit thing... we're not actually competeing as over half the people in the skit are cosplay staff -_-;;. We just want to do something fun and entertaining for the audience and we figure we;d be a good distraction while winners are being determined.

Basically it's just a bunch of us doing characters from Super Smash Bros... I think that's the game they picked O.o;... All I remember is Yoshi is in it and I've been wanting to do a full character costume ^^;;. I've got to make sure I build it so that it's easy to get into... or at least easy with help. With Big Billy (that giant blue panda costume I got paid to wear at a Christian con), my mom and I had it done to 5-10 minutes to get me into all the pieces. So as long as someone is back stage who's helped me put it on before and knows where all the clasps are, it shouldn't be too hard.

I'm going to go sleep now... *snore*

current mood: relaxed

(1 bow taken | Curtain call)

Sunday, August 15th, 2004
2:22 am
Mike and Eric are insane x_x;;...

I had my away message on cause I was cleaning (like usual -_-;) and I check and there's a bunch of messages from Mike about how he and Eric are free to come help me move my furniture around my room and to call them right then (he actually put "call me now" ><;).

So I call and the first thing I say is I ask if they're really that bored. Apparently they were, lol. But it was too late for them to come over (my mom said no -_-;) and plus all my shit is still sitting on my furniture x_x;;. I still gotta unhook my desktop ^^;.

Anywho, so yeah... they're weird ><;.

So I'm on my way to the Renn Faire in Novato tomorrow...er... later today (^^;) with some Sac Town friends ^_^. Will have much fun =3. Especially since I hardly get to see these friends unless there's a con we're all going to ;_;. I can't believe Jen is being so uber nice and making a detour to Antioch to come pick me up, though. I'm making it up to her by baking her some cookies and I'll more likely than not chip in for gas whether she likes it or not ^_^.


Had much fun at Seiji's last night ^_^. We stayed up all night (except for Kender #1 and Ambee) watching the Fushigi Yugi OAVs =3. Was so tired ><;... I'm not really tired right now cause we slept til like... 3pm x_x;;... But I need to get some sleep... but I'm waiting for a call *grumble*. Oh well, I did promise I'd still be awake in an hour around 3am so my friend could call me back after they have dinner.

Better get back to finish up my drawers so I can go to the Renn Faire ^_^;;.

(2 bows taken | Curtain call)

Thursday, August 12th, 2004
3:35 pm
Okay... some of you know how I get sick after eating a full meal, right? Cause my body is just used to small mini meals throughout the day and not a lot of food at once... Well, that was my original theory...

My mom and I went to Straw Hat today (the new one down near Winco) and I got my "I need to go throw up =X" feeling as always after I eat... well, driving home, my mom just sort of ponders out loud that maybe it's the cheese. This got me thinking... I thought back on all the times I get sick and everytime I had cheese or a large amount of dairy products. Now, I know I'm allergic to milk... but it's always just been the plain stuff without it mixed in with anything. But lately I've been really not in the mood for ice cream (the thought of it actually makes me sick to my stomach)...

So now my mom's questioning if my allergy is getting worse. Because I used to be able to eat whole large pizzas by myself and in the past four-ish years I get sicker and sicker every time I eat more than a couple small slices.

Also, I realised where I thought it was just the quantity of food that was making me sick... I remembered that lots of fast food does not make me ill.

Damnit ><;... this sucks so much because I'd been using cheese pizza to get the calcium I need when I don't feel like my orange juice that has calcium in it.

Part of me wants this to be an answer just so there is an answer... but another part of me really doesn't want this to be the answer -_-;;...

Ugh... why does everything get worse? First my eyesight... then my asthma... and now my milk allergy... Just watch... next my allergy to certain band-aid adhesives is going to go back to how bad it was when I was really little (I used to not be able to wear any type of band-aids without breaking out in a rash... currently I can use the 3M brand and that's it... everything else I get red and itchy spots where the band-aid was).

Note to self: look into this theory further to determine if milk allergy becoming worse is the reason for illness when eating.


Correction - After my mom has done some research, I show symptoms of being Lactose Intollerant(sp?!). Not having a milk allergy. Apparently there is a difference, lol.


Went to Costco to get some of those pills that supposedly help to try... if they work, then I need to go to the doctor and get checked... if it doesn't, then I still need to go because that means something else is wrong with me.

current mood: nauseated

(6 bows taken | Curtain call)

Monday, August 9th, 2004
11:49 pm
There is good news and bad news >.>;... maybe ending with good news will make the bad news not so bad ><;...

The bad news...:

  • According to my mom, there is still cleaning to do (Seriously... WTF?!)

  • I was sick for a bit and I thought it was just the dust, but my mom is now questioning if it might have been the West Nile Virus since I was bitten a couple times before I got sick and displayed a good number of the symptoms... (please dear God let it have just been a sinus infection or cold or something ><;!)

  • I still need to find people in town with the time to help me move furniture... and that can handle moving heavy stuff.

  • I can't seem to keep hydrated (no matter how much liquid I drink)

  • The ice packs aren't chilling fast enough after I use them

  • It's late at night and it's still hot (x_x;;)

The good news...:

  • There is a floor, people! (Woot!)

  • Made a new good friend online today ^-^

  • New friend said I can borrow one of his costumes at YCon =3

  • My mom found my favourite ring today (I got it a long time ago... lost it... found it... lost it again and thought it gone forever until now... Although it's now a pinky ring O.o;... it fit my middle finger when I got it... when I found it after I lost it the first time, it then fit my ring finger... and now it only fits my pinky ;_;... But it's a half size too big... I wear 2 1/2 on my pinky and it's a 3... which is just a half size too small for my ring finger ><;)

  • Did I mention I have a floor?

  • Got to go to Amy's this weekend (has soooo much fun ^_^! Thanks again Amy!)

  • My room is to a point where I can just shift stuff out for a couple hours so I can move furniture (Just need people ><;)

  • I'm in a good mood... even though I was in a bad mood most of the day because of... issues... (not female issues =P)

I know there's way more for both lists... but that's about it... at least for now.

current mood: indescribable

(6 bows taken | Curtain call)

4:15 pm
You hurt me more than anyone ever has. You even ignored me on my 18th birthday and yet I still did everything I could to make yours special. And today is your 19th. I have never failed since I've known you to tell you happy birthday... and I don't intend to start now.


I hope you have a better 19th than I did. I know you had a better 18th because I was there to make sure you had fun even though I was dying of pain from cramps.

I even got you that Matchbox 20 CD you wanted. And you never thanked me when I gave it to you along with a bag of that dark chocolate you love so much.

current mood: lonely

(Curtain call)

Wednesday, July 28th, 2004
5:42 pm
I have a bite on my upper arm and my calf ='(... and before anyone thinks any wrong thoughts like Eliza and Jakki did on the phone today: they're bug bites!!

So still cleaning. I should see my floor by tonight >.>;... I think I've thrown away at least 10lbs of paper x_x;;...

Some of the stuff is really painful to see. I really should just throw them away, but I just can't bring myself to. Even if the people who wrote them used me, I just can't say goodbye to those times yet.

I broke down the other day because of one of the things... if you care to know, just catch me on AIM and I'll tell you.

Anywho >.>;...

It's been overly hot the past few days and I've been getting dehydrated to the point I was getting heat exhaustion and passing out x_x;;... But it's finally barable(sp?) today. Still too hot, but at least it isn't getting close if not into the triple digits =/. I think it's only like high 80s to low 90s right now.

'Kay, break over... gotta get back to work. Joy -_-;;...

(1 bow taken | Curtain call)

Tuesday, July 27th, 2004
1:49 am
Always before, the spring returned.
The bright world in its cycle spun
In air and flowers, grass and fern,
Assured and cradled by the sun.

Always before, you could explain
The turning darkness of the earth,
And how that dark embraced the rain,
And gave the trees and flowers birth.

Already I forget those things,
And how a vein of gold survives
The mining of a thousand springs,
The seasons of a thousand lives.

Now winter is my memory,
Now autumn, now the summer light-
So every spring from now will be
Another season into night.

Gizmo was buried today. I had to have my mom do it because I still couldn't bring myself to even look at his cage.

I learned this mourning song a while ago. I haven't sung it in awhile... and I couldn't sit still until I sang it for Gizzy. It still hurts... but I feel more at ease now.

I miss you, Gizzy... I'm sorry I still can't say goodbye and let you go.

(2 bows taken | Curtain call)

Sunday, July 25th, 2004
1:04 am
Okay, haven't updated in a bit =/. I've uber sick for awhile and then cramps came ><;... My pain meds had me knocked out for most of the last 48-ish hours x_x;...

Anywho, not really much to write up on... Just some odd dreams that were very possible in a realistic sense =/. Like the one from last night was about pizza. Lots and lots of pizza. But I wasn't allowed to have any of it... somebody kept running away with the slices I managed to get my hands on ;_;. By the time I woke up I was sooooo hungry x_x;.

BTW, my mom's off my case a bit because I got her my GPA to give to the car insurance people to get the lower rate and also my class schedule to prove I'm a full time student for medical. I'm still waiting for her to hold up her end of the bargain (that was supposed to be fufilled by my b-day, but that obviously didn't happen) of getting the new car for me to drive to school. The van gets crud for gas mileage and isn't that reliable.

Lalala... so besides being sick, I'm just dandy =/. Still looking for a job... I'm gonna run out tomorrow after the thing with Therman (note to self: pull out clothes to wear) to get apps and turn in apps, etc.

A job means many things right now... such as AM... and more random trips with friends... and most importantly: that much closer to freedom.

'Kay, I'm gone... gotta finish some chores since it's all cooled off now.


For those on Gaia, my SN there is "Kender" (without the quotes, dur!). Dang that place is addicting x_x;;... and I thought neopets was bad ><;...

current mood: hot... but cooling off

(18 bows taken | Curtain call)

Wednesday, July 21st, 2004
8:01 am
EDIT: Added my anthropology class... and I went to LMC today to check to see if I'm allowed to sign up for the ASL III class and the lady said there'd be no problem (I believe this is due to technically being a former student from LMC and still being in their system ^^;). I have it in italics for now because it is not locked in. But there it is. My schedule. Eighteen units x_x;... Eh, I'll be fine ^_^. Most of those units are drama anyways, XD! Hopefully they'll offer my History of Theatre class next semester =/.

So I'm done for now... just need to lock in my ASL III class ^-^. I have Mondays and Fridays completely free... mornings and very early afternoons on Wednesdays free... and my Tuesdays and Thursdays are insane *dies*. Good news: this well help save on gas. Driving everyday was costing way too much ;_;.

Now just to figure out how to fit in lunch into there somewhere >.>;... and dinner ^^;;. And I must remember to eat breakfast from now on ><;.


Wanna see something scary? Here is my current fall schedule:

9:30-10:45amInt. ActingInt. Acting
11:00-12:15pmTech Theatre LabTech Theatre Lab
12:30-1:45pmTech TheatreTech Theatre
4:00-6:50pmAnthropology (Magic, Witchcraft, and Religion)
7:00-9:50pmASL III (at LMC)Astronomy LabSymphonic Band

Look carefully... I have only 15 minute breaks between classes during the day x_x;... I know others have done this, but this a new thing I'm trying... plus I'm attempting to keep at least fridays free ^^;.

And here's the really scary thing: I'm not done. I'm going to talk with LMC about taking their ASL III course as DVC is only offering three sections of it... and only one of those three is at the DVC campus (the other two are at the San Ramon campus) and it fell during band which is nonnegotiable. That is my favourite class and I adore the people in it. And San Ramon is way too far to be traveling just so I can have my ASL class that I don't need anymore (I met my requirement with ASL II). But LMC is just an easy 10 minute-ish drive ^_^. I'm gonna call the campus today and see about doing a double enrollment... as I am a former student from there, it really shouldn't be too much of an issue =/. And I think they'll understand ^-^.

I had to get these locked in for insurance purposes (proof I'm a full time student), but I still have a couple more IGETC requirements I'd like to clear this fall. I have about six units free for the fall still... well, if one needs a lab, they better not yell at me for taking 19 units =/.

Actually, the class I really wanted isn't being offered this fall ;_;. It covered at least two, if not three of my requirements for both IGETC and my drama stuff. Plus is like the only history class I think I could stand, XD! History of Theatre - 1700 to present ^_^. I probably should take the other one too >.>;... *grumble*

Lalala... okay... I have chores to do... and I still feel like crap -_-;;...



current mood: working

(8 bows taken | Curtain call)

12:17 am
Before I get into about my day, just a heads up I made many of the entries of this whole drama private because people keep reading them and commenting without bothering to read my more recent posts. Otherwise I'd leave them public or locked for friends.

Anywho, I'm sick -_-;. I've been nauseous for the past week cause of the heat and today I woke up with a sore throat. When my mom checked, she saw white-ish blotches on the back of my throat so I went in and had a throat culture done. The only thing that sucked was they moved me out of pediatrics and into the adult clinic for this visit ;_;. They aren't as nice over there! And they still think I'm like 15 at oldest when they see me so I get the "You're in the wrong section" look x_x;;.

So I find out tomorrow whether I have strep throat or just a virus. I'm hoping for a virus except that it means I'll just have to ride it out =/. At least with strep I'd get meds to kill it off.

Lalala... other fun stuff to write about... some of the friends I needed to really talk to were able to make me feel better and forget for a few hours all that's gone on. I'll write about that later... I have other things I need to do right now.

So yeah... just a fun week, huh? Ugh -_-;;.

EDIT: Forgot to mention that I love the scale at Kaiser. It said I'm 98 1/4lbs. I hate my mom's scale. It said I'm 95lbs. Both still say I'm way too light... but at least the former one said I was closer to where I should be =D.

(2 bows taken | Curtain call)

Sunday, July 18th, 2004
12:35 am
Well, I'm sitting at Amber's right now. Her and Therman had come over to keep me company earlier when I was home alone and I bought pizza for all of us for dinner. My mom and dad came home from my bro's (where they'd tried to make me go that morning even though I'd been sick from the heat) and my mom went balistic(sp?) on me.

She started yelling at me about how I can't have company over at her house (even if I was dying to see people who actually love me without conditions and don't treat me like shit) and again she started in with the how I should "get the fuck out of her house" and other such nonsense. She did this to me right before I left for AX. And when I tried to leave she slapped me and threw me back in the house. So much for being 19 and able to leave whenever I want.

And then when I returned from AX she couldn't seem to apoligise enough. Kept saying how she shouldn't have said that... that she really wanted me there... how she would never ever force me out.

I told her she didn't get it. That she just didn't understand why I was mad at her. And she obviously still doesn't get it because when I tried to go pack a bag and inform my dad of all the lies she's told him just the past couple weeks, she pushes me and digs her fingers into me.

And I acted on instinct. No one has the right to touch me like that. No one has the right to hurt me. I slapped her across the face just hard enough to get her to let go.

Therman and Amber got me out of there and we went driving.

So here I am. I was getting better. I was doing fine. But then I started losing so many of the things I needed in my life to keep me stable. And I just continue to have every stripped from me.

I didn't do anything wrong. All I wanted was to get better and be accepted as is. No, scratch that... I just wanted to be accepted for me... the best me I could be... The only reason I tried to get better... the only reason I agreed to those doctor's visits... the only reason I started that medication... was because I wanted to be a better person in the mentally healthy sense for those I love.

And the people it mattered most to me that they accept that... threw it back in my face that I needed medical help like it was some vile thing.

I'm sick of this. My mom thinks my suicidal thoughts come from my illness. That they return if I stop my meds. Well news flash: I am taking my meds and my illness is fairly under control because of it.

It's when I'm made to feel like I'm not wanted that I want to die. Because it hurts so much to feel like I'm not wanted.

I'm so glad I have Amber and Therman. I love you guys so much. I'm sorry for what you had to see tonight. And thank you for taking care of me.

I'm moving plans ahead. I need to find a job down in SoCal and move there ASAP. There's JCs there I can transfer to. I don't know how I'm going to do this... but this just proved to me that I can't stay here anymore.

As soon as I get the chance... I'm gone. And I'm not looking back. I washed my hands of my father a long time ago. It's time I did it with my mother.

<3 all of you.

current mood: Empty

(20 bows taken | Curtain call)

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